After my fix on iTunes U Italian podcasts and Stanford online philosophy lectures, plus a bowl of Sabra hummus...
To all the curious, hate-hungry, lonesome and confused, to all the successful, unfortunate and abused. To the in-between-ers and knowledge graspers whom I adore, to all the constantly learning, always-wanting-more.
This is for you.
This is for me, too.
"Why'd you drop out?" "Why are you wasting your potential and worth?"
…Since when did college define your worth?
Welcome to the systematic approach to history repeating itself. And opinions.
I planned accordingly: I worked and saved. All to be at the nomadic/philosophical state-of-mind I'm at today (although always philosophical). To create the chapter of the jobless, school-less, to learn what it means to "be."
Don't get me wrong, I'm very productive, yet only with things I find my curiosity chasing or serve as beneficial outlets.
P.S. Recently dropped everything to try out the "starving artist" phase.
1. I value school. No contradicts here.
1+1. I did not drop out. I am taking time off (and a semester by far).
School is a funny thing. I can be 4.0 GPA cruising, top of the class yet sacrificing my happiness for the admiration.
At the end of the day, I'd like to smile.
I think it's because I am not set on anything yet. This mindset of hatred isn't necessarily geared toward school but perhaps my experiences and blurred vision of a path as well as lack of moderation. I let myself get sucked into the entirety and too much of anything never looks good.
I've learned to be less of a smart-ass and know a lot about a little. #stillasmartass
I prefer to feel it out. Vibe it out. Intuitively follow.
Counterargument, quotation and weakness: "Emotions aren't right or wrong. They just are."
Queue my reflections reflecting through 6 mirrors. Pull trigger. Realizing there was only one mirror.
A few moments of introductory soul-searching and failed classes later…
The B I G G E R picture: looking out for the whole.
I realized I began to stumble and shatter, so I did myself a favor by
1. Letting go
2. Offering my seat in [waitlisted] classes to someone who offers the worth
3. Saving the time of my professors
4. Saving the school's money
It's not giving up if you're just changing the game.
Your game; your game plan.
(Even if it isn't really a plan.)
I may have graduated high school a year and a half early, with no regrets, then proceeded to dive into college head first (a weekend after my last high school final - no transitions), may have not touched anything higher than life science or algebra…
but I make up for the loss:
I have enough community service (which I cherish and need not explain unless it is requested) to suit 10 people, I have a (and modestly said) good head on my shoulders, and then some (because ranting about how awesome you are isn't the point here).
I just want to try out a different idea; something foreign to me. A few phases. I've been soul-searching and didn't even know it. Checkmate.
I've accomplished this ongoing chapter and have been oblivious to the fulfillment as a whole. I'm speaking as if it is all over, but it's truly the beginning of a 19-year old heart pump.
Queue the tunnel of light.
All I wish (or hope) is that some of the world need not be robotic and disrespectful toward the choices others make that fuel to better them.
I feel that a few pieces of paper have served the value of worth.
This place runs on credit: your credit for the work you've acclaimed, money that never gets paid back, etc.
We're all worth so much more than all of that, but we flow with the social norm at most because it's:
e a s i e r.
Not all of us, but the ones who have channeled hatred my way. Hate with envy?
I'll take it as a compliment.
Caution: feeding off of others' despair results in loss of energy, emotion, time.
4 colleges and ivy league outreach programs later…
I never feel it is necessary to explain myself to those who offer a backhand compliment, and flat out: explaining isn't going to solve your assumptions until genuine mindsets offer the request.
Just do you and I'll do me.
Let's chat about it if you'd like to see.
-
Forward is the only possible direction. It's that simple.
I enjoy my life at the moment, enough to reflect on the imbalance of feedback; good and bad is always going to do me good. Critique and new or shadowing perspectives are mindful and great to listen to; my ears are open - is your mind?
Truly, I thank the ones who provoke the thought of "what the hell am I doing?" cross my mind enough to channel it into a post. Now, there are probably going to be other reasonings in mind regarding the entirety, though I'll keep that to the notepad on my bedside.
Adieu.
As for those who are looking out in the future: time always changes. Schools are built and stable enough. I could be back sooner than you think.
Because we all feel our worth being stripped off of our flesh at times:
Your misfortune, your lack of others' "defined value," are open spaces for you to fill with something greater. As they say, "change is the only constant." Give it a push and it'll give you a go. Sometimes, you'll never want to stop. Change can be your new addiction.
