Be Blind

You know that saying and those song lyrics, “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone?” Well, I say screw that saying and target it as well. Screw it because it’s just a saying and not a feeling. Words can’t necessarily create a feeling unless those words are attached to a personal memory, an experience. So let’s be blind. If you could have anything messed up with you, anything, let’s choose blindness. Blind because you wouldn’t have to indulge in a superficial world. The world it beautiful, you and I both know that. Let’s say you become blind tomorrow. Wouldn’t you wanted to have take a moment to stare at the sky, the almost midnight sky and wish for one less thing in life, capturing the image as your crystal eyes shattered an ice cube tear just before you were abducted with your eyes open, abducted without reason, abducted without hope, or without a hand to hold or a beauty to evoke. I’ll tell you this - all of this is false. You would be abducted with reason. You would be abducted with hope and a hand to hold and a beauty to evoke. With reason, for everything seems to connect whether or not you believe in the fold of gravity or quantum physics. You are here for a reason and right that moment, when the clock hit the dozen, you were given a reason; to see the world with closed eyes, to feel the world’s beauty, and to actually feel. You will have hope, believe me, you will. Even when hope is gone, there is still a little bit left, to keep us breathing, keep our heart beating. You will believe that this will make you stronger, that you will learn of ways to see in ways you never saw before. You will have a hand because you’ll have your own. A beauty to evoke, a beauty to evoke - “what does that even mean,” you say? Be sure to keep a strong hand on hope, and you will find your inspiration, your reason to hold on. I’m reading “Cathedral,” a short story by Raymond Carver about a blind man. I have hardly reached the fourth paragraph on the second page and I already feel love for this blind man, and that’s all I will spill because you ought to read it yourself, first. Aside from that, this run-on paragraph would fail me from my English course. Good thing I write to write. It’s the negative people, the negative criteria and the devilish surroundings that make you want to jump and stay - at the same time, to know how it is, who it is and what it means, to be a devil. Those people, a particular person, shows me what not to be, and not purposely. I wish she could see with her eyes closed sometimes, but I’m not hoping for her to become blind. I just want her to see what she isn’t seeing; what she isn’t looking to, what’s right in front of her and beautiful and fucking glorious that her nose scrapes against the wind. I want her to feel so good that she knows everything is happening because she has control. I want a lot of things I can’t control. That’s a lie. I can control them. Just as a salesperson would say, it’s harder than it looks. Don’t look, feel. Feeling will get you further than logic. Open up that third chakra and look up at the supernal or celestial heaven. What do you see now?

and my legs won't stop shaking

Process of eliminating. Don’t click eject, just keep on writing. Simplistic. Sometimes, good things take time. Sometimes, good things happen quickly. Having realizations now makes life feel alright, and no time lost at this age of being 18. All I need are the clothes on my back and that’s all there is to it, they say. If I had to grab one thing, it would probably be some type of knife. We’re actually more intelligent than we may perceive ourselves. My brain, sometimes a dusted, rusted book on a shelf locked with a key, is being opened up again - this time, for good. These things that you keep up there are the things that guide you through the day, navigate you to the places and things you want to see, and give you answers to what your heart cannot process. Yet, if we live off our hearts, we might become what I like to call “fallacy-fallen,” so we need a bit of head in there. Not all the time, though. Less is more, they also say. Now I’m not saying buy the most valuable things and limit yourself to ones that have the greatest features. What is “value” anyway? What does it stand for? Where did “significance” come from? Importance: what is yours? My name isn’t Collin Wright, but I’m beginning to think like the feller himself. Inspired, you may call it, or intrigued. Absorbed or exposed, or seeing through the seams. Ramble, grump, do what it is that you do as I keep on writing while the phone rings and the water spills and drips coldly onto my lap and the wind doesn’t stop, and the cars don’t stop, and her voice playing doesn’t stop and my hands; keep on typing, keep on typing, keep on..

Change habits.

tag along

A little update, as Sister Hazel quietly drifts through the air of my stuffy room.

Please excuse my laziness and lack of vocabulary, comma splices, sentence fragments, etc. Thank you.

Dust is out. Smile is on. Made your day. Came out strong. This weekend, you know, after skipping class twice out of four days... (define discipline?). Friday, I checked out this movie premier for a short film called "GIRL" because I got an invite from a friend's friend online. Decided to go, and turned down a show at a cafe and something that does not come to mind at the moment. Lovely, lovely people to say the least. May I mention, whom are all exceedingly lookers? Yes. Yes indeed. That I sprouted a tiny seed of friendship with? Why, yes. Yes I did. Thank you charm of mine. I am very excited to see them in the future, along with GIRL's pt II and part III: BOY and GOD.
Afterward, C and I went to Coldstone.



Went home, practiced/crammed guitar. Failed. Knocked out.

Slept in and didn't feel too hot. Woke up with what could have been a cold sore. Not only that, but a bug bite, too. Now, in this very moment, a part of my gum tore. Very comfortable..


Saturday: KB and I baked cookies. Miss that woman. She's wonderful. Caught up on life. Took a nice drive. Right after, UCR. Let's make it brief, let's use some netting in here:

Handsome door man, French cookies, phone's short life in battery form, aloe juice with mangoes, cards, shivering me timbers, printed superman tights, black gloves, mascara that stays on for far too long, my boo, stories about mistakes, lost tickets, torn tickets, security on every corner, music festival and parking spaces, darkness, below temperature, Winco, souvenirs, giant blocks of milk and dark chocolate, In-n-out in every city, gas stations, clubs, frats, chain smokers, fashionistas, Proof Bar, the Kogi Truck, unneeded coins, boots for out feet, iced fingers, starvation leading to attack mouth first, look-alikes, cheese slurping, mail, video games, playing a four stringed instrument in perfect tune, sticky notes and being shady, delivering deactivating the account, lines and golf cars, wrong partners in crime, smiles, hype, young night, brief drives, thoroughness, lack of darts and conversation, secret passages, acting, hating, being grateful.

Today, Sunday "funday":


The only place you'll find a truck of oranges and lemons, cowboys and Indians interacting, Jamaican men pulling trash cans, Spanish music, bargain deals, Greek Gods, and sweat - the swapmeet.

Sometimes worth it, other times not. Just like school. Sarcasm? Hm.

I bought a vintage necklace hanger, a floral gold hair clip, and a churro. Half the time I stood alone. The rest of the time, I sat on a curb waiting for my party to escort themselves in my directions. I was a little too quick. Hair in bun, oversized cardigan, skinnies, studded Sperry-Sliders, leftover makeup, shades, and earphones in with six bucks in my pocket. I was ready.

Home home home. Family on bikes. Shower. Museum, videos, friends, cool attractions, fun and games, tiredness, callus, asking for answers and receiving more, winning fossils (who wins fossils)? Long walks, bridges, extra cash, closed doors, cute dads, unusual outfit yet appealing, new food, fake birthdays, humor to a whole new level, shuffle, natural, and more mascara.

Until I can remember what happened last night...

Fresh faces, new places, wanting to cry out, wanting to live.

just

If you aren't admired here, if you feel like they want to rid your flesh, if you want to bang your head against that glass table, if you want to throw up your feelings, if you feel the strength-the strength that can set you free, if you feel anxious and have high cholesterol, if you want to kick ass, if you don't feel at all, if they energy isn't right, if the spirits are out of sight, if your thoughts are not spot on, if you're high off live, if you are more you than you, if you want to let go, if you want to sink in, if you want to just float, if you clench your teeth, if you want to lay low, if you cannot begin to treat yourself, if you have no clue, if you have too many things, if you're less of a minimalist, if you feel like dying-yes, we all feel like dying, if you are hopeless, if you have already faced the demons, if you said too much or not enough, if you are bruised and broken, if you can't find serenity, if your self defense wasn't strong enough, if you are left untouched, if you are are relieved, if you tear up, if you find beauty, if you don't love but feel loved, if you aren't ordinarily outspoken, if you lit the candles before dark, if you have lost the balance, if you feel the roots, if you just can't do it, if you

if you

if you

if. you.

if you

you
you

you

you
you

if

if you

i f  y o u..

illusion

Time sways. Time mocks. Time crawls. Time creeps. Time draws. Time sings. Time does it all.
When you don't feel, turn on the right tune. Knock off the cat's meow.
Call it a night-a night away from the discontinuing energy. Create your own field of attraction. Listen to that gut, big or small, and throw on those headphones. Pick up the pen. Don't escape, but escort yourself out. Atta boy. Proper, just like his grandfather taught him.

7

Aren't the bad days the ones that make you feel?

On and off sensitivity. I figured that if I decided to write and blow off steam, it would allow me to escape.
It's times like these where I just want to drop out of school. (I'm not going to drop out of school).
I feel that my social life is making me ill. I don't want to see the same people, I want fresh faces.
The negative flow of energy in this household suffocates me. When I grab the keys to go, where do I go?
Let's not try anymore. Let's just flow. Let's just go. Us: my mind and spirit, in tact.
It's been an off week. I have no expectations on what will go on, what will fall through, who to speak to.
Thrust.
It's in the air. They're all looking my way. Am I supposed to please them? Is there something I should say?
I don't want to be picked on, what made her call my name? The whole class laughs and I smirk, "it's okay."
In the locker room, I splash water to my face. The girls are whispering below me, reflective in the glass. What did I do? If there's something going on, I'd like to know. It was tough to hold my head high this evening. Slumping offers no acceptance-from myself. I just want to be. Let me be. I don't bite. Smile. Dearly smile. Women project unacceptable remarks. I don't have to care. I never let anything get to me. Why this? I knew she was a tough teacher, but c'mon, the row of young women behind me were giving up on their poses and I kept still; arms shaking, but in position. Still.

Nothingness mounts to something. The drive will project result. Illustrate yourself. They'll believe whatever you tell them.
Sweat it out.

Breathe. Catch up with your thoughts.

Give love, no matter how difficult it is to give love in a mood such as here.

Give love, restore faith, practice patience, persistence, and passion. One day I'll master it all.
For now, restore faith. Talking myself up should help, but I feel no better.

When there's no where to look, just pause and keep on. Hang in there.
No dwells. Anytime I'm feeling down, just look up-at the sky and stars. You are not alone. You got it good. You can better yourself.

Restore faith.

Second thoughts

'Not stuck on you. Just. Stuck. I hope you're well. You sound well. Of course, I haven't heard your voice in days, weeks, months. It's as if I took a vow of silence since we departed. Yeah, my thoughts have been clearer. No, we never broke up. Yeah, we used to be something. No, we were never together. Yeah, I'm really well. Thank you for asking. No, you can have the last cookie. What I meant to say is, you seem well. You seem great. Of course, it's tough to see behind the lens if the camera is blurry. Conscienceless, I am. Free, I am. Intrigued to turn it around and put no effort into it-us, I mean-put effort into us. It's just history. We're history. We were history, that's no mystery. Misery-can you feel it? I don't, just emptiness. Fill the pot with sorrow and doubt, and all one receives is bitter, bland tea. Walk out into the morning shine a day after a rainstorm and breathe, 'I am worthy.'"


"You've blossomed. Wow, you have the most perfect figure."
-"Thank you, (have they not seen what's out there?) I've grown up."
"Beautiful, you have gotten so beautiful."
-"Thank you very much! I appreciate it. (have they not seen otherwise?)"

Adventurism

Saturday through Tuesday, my soul was in LA.

Just some shots via mobile, enjoy:

Some down time with cast and crew, and I, a mathlete.

Tons of fresh faces.

Orchad salad at Jerrys Famous Deli. Divinity.

One perk for living five minutes from the beach, another for my room window facing sunset.

Just another day at The Getty Museum with some great people.

Crashed the Golden Globe Awards.

A peaceful drive down PCH.

Let the light shine through.

Chelsea Lately with a couple new friends.

Tis a beauty.

Watching the sunset on the freeway.

Hope you're well!
xo

aHoy!

Shout out to the new follower! Thanks for stopping by (:
Very cliche to say, but I appreciate it.

A brief summary of grubbing through colorful creations.

What else?

I have just slightly gotten over being sick.

Don't allow things to haut you forever, even if they are unchangeable.

Life's been relaxing, two more weeks of winter break left for me.

I've been sleeping quite well. Rising and shining early with Franklin's moto (even if he disobeyed it himself-but c'mon, it's Ben Franklin).

Worked at a library and this was nearby:

Enjoy the leftover pieces of life.

It's in the air, and I'm not talking about the firework smoke.

***

Happy New Year, darlings. I think my resolution would be to: grow. The resolution might be a tease, actually. I grow everyday; I'm only human. To grow through knowledge, through religion, through the hardest times and through the most memorable of times-I'm already ahead of my resolution. So, it's like a way of cheating. We learn something new everyday and we age every single moment. To grow is something I can achieve but also push myself into believing I need. What's your 2011 resolution?

Good morning, goodnight. I spent my New Year's Eve with a friend of mine named Yuliya (the model). We watched a Russian New Years party on television and sipped some sparkling cider with our caviar and Chinese food. Interesting combination, although it wasn't at the same time. We played some dress up, took photos, read some poetry, entertained ourselves with stories and thoughts on the future.

When the ball dropped, we did what everyone else was doing: yelling and smiling, laughing and hitting crystal glass to crystal glass (champagne vs cider-we had the cider). We also ran outside to check out the fireworks. There were four different directions to look for the exploding colors across the blue night. It was nice. Back inside, more chatting and music until I packed up my things and headed out.

In the car, I was a little nervous to make ends meet with drunk drivers. I was surprised with all the cars out and about at such a time: one o'clock. Thankfully, I only live two minutes up the street. Justin Nozuka's second album, You I Wind Land and Sea kept me calm and soothed out.

I really hope that this year will always feel refreshing. This is the rebirth to new improved people-self included.

I know, we should all have goals and resolutions about everyday life, no need to state it. This is just a bigger bang and a team effort. This future will bring things together, break things apart, and be different. I can feel it.

It's in the air, and I'm not talking about the firework smoke.

***