un-pause my heart

There are a few things about fasting I have learned and overcome this year. It isn't just about the cleans of your mind, soul, and body; it's about learning about yourself through your actions and through your mind. I've seen myself resist on things I know I don't need, but want. That's the fine line. There are also things subliminally involved. Say, a blessing in disguise. I've gotten sick, I've been knocked down, and I've been nervous and worried about my health, and survival. Let me just say that it's not only fasting that has gotten me through. Watching The Karate Kid reminded me that as well. He was so scared, he gave up so many times and completed the brilliant movie on his own. I wouldn't say brilliant, but getting up so many times after getting hurt surely was. I have also learned that working hard to the point of being fatigued, if so, brings upon a heavy amount of respect amongst yourself. Getting that triple digit pay check was exactly how Mr. Nguyen-student teacher sophomore year-said it would feel like. "There is nothing more exciting than that." The first pay check. Knowing what you had sacrificed for it, regardless of being treated like a piece of meat (I was an extra in a film, don't worry) it payed off. I know what work feels like. And I'm not afraid of it anymore. I would like to work, because with that reward, I can get what I want. I have yet to know what to use it on, so I save it tucked away in my wallet. This is the truth. This is speaking strongly with my heart and my words might not be as bold and defined as I usually attempt them to be, but it's simple and deliberate. The adrenaline will rush as I find my way. I may not be balanced to where I want, but I don't know what that balance is. I will not search for it, because searching will make you blind. Let balance find me.


I start class tomorrow, so I am nervous for it and also excited with the courses I chose.
Listening and breathing will help me slow my roll and become intuitive and more wise. Looking back at that day on set makes me realize that you don't have to wait to make that move or better yet, you don't have to be hear if you don't want to be. So just go home. Or stand your ground and stay strong. With all that we did, we made fabulous friends and had a bitter sweet (and sweaty) time grooving on that 80s dance floor. My first "never ending" prom, and possibly my one and only. It was special.

My counselor had noticed as I told her myself, "I like to work in different environments and do different things each time." Having a wide variety of what I adore makes it a lot easier to love but a lot harder to choose. Doing different things gives you more feeling, and self control, about what you're getting your head into, and what you do not know. Just go. Go with the flow.

Nothing is stopping us.

There are so many beautiful people in the world, why doesn't it have to be the way you want it to be? Excuse that, let me try to clear that. As I pour this analysis in a straight line of letters, I am visualizing my "lover boy" (joke) on set. Crew member. He was beautiful, and the lock of eyes was enough for me to remember and keep to myself, as much as I wanted to break out and find a way to learn his name. "Look at me, I'm adorable!" I stated to Aaron, the one who pulled us into the set off the bleachers. NJ look-alike with a hint of Scott, both Scotts I know. "You know what I need." He shyly mimicked. I laughed, "I'm going to be a smart girl and walk away now..." Back to the dance floor. Spencer, the pretty blond girl gave me good vibes. Dane Cook laughed at my "Get it get it!" fist pump when we were all supposed to mouth "Verge!" Satisfied enough.

Q: What makes you different?
A: What you think about yourself.

Think about it.

It's in the air, the kindness. No. It's everywhere. Still. "Being still and doing nothing are two different things." I smell cinnamon. Pumpkin pie. Think you've had enough yet? I actually know what I'm talking about right now. I speak through coated days of being  unemotional and set them straight here. Christmas time, I want to be ready for it, prepared this year. I want a job so I can satisfy myself with all that I spend. Those bulk grey shoes from ForLove, or maybe sandals from H&M with some wool socks, that yellow thick knitted scarf, that Zara messenger bag, all that jewelry-especially that chunky necklace, and so on and so forth.
"You should wear that outfit on a regular basis. Maybe if those trousers were more fitted." Oh, sweet sweet Robby boy who I wish to have spent more time with.

On to sugar coated days like snow in December, and on to making friends with fresh faces and feeling. On with the cold and sun-peaking through the leaves days of walking tall and not neglected. On with vocabulary. Un-pause the quotes and wit, bring freshness and scarlet love letters, on with you you and you singing to me, on with being a good friend, on with seeing random acts of kindness, on with simple and happy thoughts, on with being tranquil. Letting guards down because there is not reason to have it up if you know yourself enough.

The last text I got from a wise man went a little something like this, "...just don't let the bad tear you apart."

I might be able to imagine all the good and see the dreams spawn with a timeline, because I know it's happening out there. Right now, I lay still, hoping to feel better soon. Because the fear won't tear me apart. Because we're conquering it. I. I will do it. We all have to do it. So I can look back and know I did it the way I wanted to.